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The theme for 2018 is… FLUSH!

Toxic Termination Techniques – An Occasional Series

1. Flush

Warning: those of a sensitive disposition might find this technique somewhat indelicate and unconscionable.

Getting a toxic person (hereafter referred to as ToXiC) out of your life can be challenging and time consuming. Sometimes the process works at a number of different levels. You need to discharge them both physically (you no longer want them around you) and psychologically (you don’t even want to think about them).

Telling them to go (and keeping them out of your life) is one part of the complex equation. Getting them out of your head, especially if they’ve had residence there for too long, might require additional focus and determination.

Here’s one short, sharp technique that you might find handy as part of your anti-ToXiC armamentarium. It’s especially useful if your ToXiC is a water sign, though it will work well with all the other elements.

It requires minimal planning and can be wonderfully spontaneous and exhilarating, a complete release of unwanted energy and weight. A bit like if the ToXiC says they want to lose a couple of stone of ugly fat (they usually want you to disagree with them if they are fishing for compliments) and the word decapitation spontaneously forms in your mind.  Or you can do a minimal amount of planning to add to the finality. You could think of it as an exercise in banishing or even exorcism if you see them as being a bit like Pazuzu.

A seven step programme follows, but you can omit the more obvious steps if you have the urge to perform this technique immediately after reading this article. Hell, you might want to reread the article during the performance. It really is that simple, and maps on to your daily activities, so you don’t really need to make time for it or inconvenience yourself in any way.

The chosen venue is a comfortable and well appointed water closet.

This can be in your house, a friend’s dojo, a public building, office, college, restaurant etc. A conventional or squat toilet works fine, an outside latrine is recommended for those who prefer to perform such activities al fresco and synchronise their bowel movements with the eternal rhythms of nature.
If you are into ecology, a lavatory that converts your waste product to humanure is a rather fine choice as the malodorous ToXiC ordure is employed for a useful purpose – to grow things that look or taste nice and sustain life (unlike the ToXiC, you might cynically think).
Alchemists attempted to transmute base substances into gold, so if you are of a metaphysical persuasion, this might work for you.


1. Approach the toilet with a feeling of expectation and a pleasant experience. If you have had a large or spicy meal (curry or chilli con carne for example) that suddenly requires a rapid and immediate voiding, all the better. You may wish to have the toilet roll ready in the fridge if the food was especially hot. Ensure the extraction fan is on and suggest to subsequent users that leave it for at least ten minutes before using the facilities.

2. Perform the required defecatory action and visualise the ToXiC being expelled from your mind and body.

3. Relish each bowel movement as if you are conducting a symphony, appreciate each splish and splash as route marks on the journey to getting rid of your ToXiC. You can emit a series of ‘ooohs’ and ‘ahhhs’, if the auditory urge takes you.

4. If you are summoned by the creative muse, write the name of the ToXiC on the lavatory paper you will be using to complete the paperwork part of the process. You might even draw a little picture or cartoon of them.

5. If the ToXiC has previously gifted you something that is water soluble and won’t block the system, you may consider adding this libation like prior to the final movement.

6. Once the evacuation is complete, perform the clean up operation diligently and thoroughly. Examine the contents of the bowl if that is your thing.

7. Flush – visualise the ToXiC being flushed away, never to be seen again. Say, ‘ToXiC begone’ or ‘hasta la vista’ at the sound of the final flush. You might want to do this under your breath if someone is waiting. This is the ToXiC’s death rattle. You may finish off by adding some Ajax to the bowl to make it more pleasant for the next user. You could see this as sprinkling salt on the remains of a burnt down haunted house, if you wish to add a dramatic flourish.

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