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How To Deal With People Who Are ToXiC – Dealing with ToXiC Discharge Part 1 of 2

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How To Deal With People Who Are ToXiC – Dealing with ToXiC Discharge Part 1 of 2

Once you have discharged the Toxic from your life, how should you deal with any emotional fallout?

By this, I’m referring to how you feel about the recent Termination Process (TTP) and the extent to which thoughts relating to the Toxic appear in your mind. We’re not discussing the emotions of the recently terminated Toxic – these are their problem and not yours, therefore of no relevance to you whatsoever. It’s assumed here that TTP has been successful and that the Toxic has been effectively and permanently shuffled off from the physical dynamic of your life.

It you are still planning or undertaking TTP, however, this article will also be valuable as it helps prime your mind and plan for how you deal with any psychological fallout when the Toxic has been expelled.

It’s quite likely that some thoughts about the Toxic will flit through your mind post TTP. If the Toxic has been annoyingly and palpably present in your life for some time spreading their bile and negativity, there may be some neural persistence as the memories of them shuffle around. If we hang out with the neuroscience for a little, the more you think about something for an extended period of time, the greater the likelihood it becomes part of your reality, your internal landscape of the psyche. Neurons that fire together wire together, which means there can be a problem of persistence. Also, if the termination process has been something of a heroic struggle with many tears and tantrums involved down the line, there may well be some emotional residue on your own part to deal with. Being kind to yourself is a great place to start here and highly recommended.

All this is entirely natural and not a matter to weigh too heavily with you in the long term. Consider that some pain is a necessary part of personal growth. We have thousands of thoughts per day and recent and traumatic events will invariably repeat and replay themselves for a while. You may undergo periods of rumination where you turn the events over and experience extreme anger and near-berserker rage. Over time, these feelings will pass as you recognise them for what they are – the rapidly fading ghosts of a dynamic that you have terminated by your own ruthless planning and execution and by the steely and effective character that you’ve developed as part of TTP. Newly toughened up, you’re good to go and face whatever subsequent challenges life cooks up for you. And there are a number of techniques you can use to accelerate the process – read NeuroToxic for a quick précis.

Leaning how the process is likely to play out equips you to deal with it more effectively. Unless your mind is naturally an oasis of Cistercian clam, Buddhist non-attachment, Stoic acceptance or Taoist ‘so what?’ there will be flashes of anger, bitterness and resentment. You’ll be thinking of the time you wasted on the Toxic and the maelstrom of negativity that they unleashed upon your life and probably spilled out into the lives of those you care for.

There may be much activity in the emotion-oriented limbic system (see Fenris and Lupus). Strong amygdala spawned emotions of sheer intense hatred and loathing may dance along with colder prefrontal cortex thoughts of revenge and vendetta, possibly involving the unleashing of physical and psychological pain on the Toxic for all they’ve done to you. At times you may feel elated as you think about them suffering, especially if you imagine having them restrained in your power with an arsenal of DIY kit, power tools and a chainsaw at your disposal.

This is a natural part of the Post Toxic Termination Process (PTTP) and can be cathartic and energising. It’s healthy, at least in the short term, to unleash and express your feelings and engage in a bit of healthy negative intention and phantasy. You can imagine getting some payback on the Toxic. But let it play, for as long as you feel the need to entertain it, in the theatre of your mind only and make sure you keep it there.

Making plans for revenge and enacting them in the physical world is counterproductive as it mires you in the past and you may be tempted to do something stupid and illegal, the consequences of which you might not easily evade. Which gives the Toxic power that they do not deserve – by wasting your precious time on them, you are allowing and encouraging them to feed on your energy and hijack a load of fun and interesting things you could be doing instead.

Predictably and oddly enough, this is the sort of thing they crave, as any attention, even if it makes them look stupid, needy, pathetic and ridiculous, is better than the cold grey emptiness of none. As stated elsewhere in this book, the Toxic is likely to be experiencing a bad time due to their own tendency to ruminate and the negative effect of the production of cortisol. So you might as well move on and leave them to get on with it.

Ideally, you want to forget them and act as if they never existed. The final part of TTP is the burial phase, where they are to all effects dead to you. You don’t want to dig them up Burke and Hare style and resurrect them, right? So the mood to ideally cultivate is one of healthy detachment. If you think about them, just see the thought for what it is, one of the many thoughts you have each day, none of which truly define you. Thinking about the Toxic is of no more consequence than wondering what to have for dinner or which celebrity is fornicating with another this week. You can start to switch to more engaging and empowering thoughts, being mindful of the present and enjoying your new-found freedom and the company of those you care about.

If detachment isn’t quite your thing, at least at the moment, try cultivating healthy indifference – the Toxic is completely irrelevant to you and deserves no emotional feedback looping whatsoever. To you they are a nonentity, immaterial and irrelevant. You can permit yourself the odd smug smile once this way of thinking becomes the norm, and in time you’ll forget them completely. Which ideally, is what you want to do.

The other approach is that of pure cold-hearted contempt – cultivate a lofty indifference to someone who is completely and utterly beneath you. You treat the thought of them with the same disdain you might a piece of phlegm on the street. You raise an eyebrow as you wonder why you ever spent any time on them. Your hostile indifference or splendid isolation towards them becomes a way of life, with a sense of relief that this person has long departed as a result of your carefully planned and executed strategy. Once again the Toxic is put in their rightful place in your mind, and very soon out of it.

Another option is humour. Laughter is incredibly healthy for you at a physical and neurological level and helps you position the Toxic and their activities into the appropriate context. Finding amusing aspects of their personality defects, interaction and behaviour is not only valuable during TTP but also in the aftermath. Instead of feeling anger and hate, just laugh at them. Imagine them doing something they would find embarrassing to share with others, such as having sex (some Toxics do, unfortunately, and not just with themselves – they may even breed), sitting on the toilet or vomiting after too much drink, (maybe all three at the same time, if you want to go surreal and slightly dodgy).

Start off with a smile, go for the grimace accompanied by tittering and then follow on with a full throttle belly laugh – the type of thing that comes naturally when hearing a good dirty joke. This helps diminish the impact of the Toxic and also adds a bit of context and clarity. It’s easy to visualise the emotionally incontinent self-justifying histrionics of the Necrotic Narcissist, for example. These types are pompous and entertain delusions of adequacy and self-importance. The last thing they want is to be called on such self-deceptions – public shaming and humiliation is one of the things they fear the most. If you want to be wicked, think about how their long-suffering partner may be working all hours to avoid them, scouring Tinder for a series of partners for short-term sensual satisfaction, or even hooking up with someone else permanently and planning to leave them.

If you really want to get hardcore, entertain feelings of disgust and loathing. The behaviour of some Toxics is so vile and reprehensible that you might feel that they’ve foregone their right to be part of polite company, especially yours. You might experience the type of revulsion you would feel towards a piece of roadkill that’s squirming with bloated wriggling maggots on a hot summer afternoon. These feelings should only be entertained on a temporary basis and not dwelled upon. What you are doing is a form of aversion therapy, in which you associate them with something repellent, disgusting and vile, the sort of thing that normal people avoid at all opportunities.

This can be combined with the mental screen, a psychological technique for reducing the importance of the Toxic in your mind.

Intrigued? Find out how on Tuesday.

To find out more about how to deal with a toxic person checkout my How To Deal With People Who Are ToXiC book . Click on the link to find out more and get your free sample.

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